commitment

Well, this is just so embarrassing, but I'm not giving up. I will keep on until I can pin you down and make you contribute. I know you are back now from New Hampshire as I write this, though you are probably reading this, if you DO read this, in Michigan.
I am still in California, it is wet and it is cold, I guess it's what they call winter. What they lack here by the bay are really exciting seasons. We had strong winds and rain last week, that was kind of exciting, but also kind of comforting, the kind of rain I'm more used to: loud, rough, knock-you-down-and-ruin-your-clothes storms. What they especially lack here is lightning. My mom used to make us all come out and watch exciting lightning during storms, almost as if she had never seen it before...and that's the thing with weather like that, it's punch-in-your-face fresh start. Which is a great segue to today's class...
Yesterday and today we had a visiting teacher who mainly teaches at a physical theater school further north. People tend to love him or hate him because, though giving and generous, he is not gentle. To get a point across he will throw heavy objects across the stage ("keep you on your toes"), or tell you and everyone in class just what is wrong with you on stage (you have to know who you are before the audience does). We were given an exercise which was basically to come on stage. do something little that we find funny and laugh at it until all chaos ensues (until it is "horrific" he said at one point, which may or may not have been meant ironically), then we look up as to notice we have been caught. Stop completely, relax it all, (imagine dancing naked in your house before you notice that you have a visitor. only instead of being able to run you stop, you look back, you wait for the angel to pass in the silence), and then your laughing thing starts up again and you make your way off stage.
I volunteered first, which, i kind of forgot, is risky with this teacher because he only tells you half of what he is looking for at the beginning. I played as I thought I should, which I am good at, I am good at getting completely lost in playing with something i think is funny, especially when it is dancing around yelling about butts, which is what i did. He nailed me as soon as it was done. Not with an object so much as with a declaration of fact, how I am holding back blah blah blah. It was all true, he was right and he made me stand still on stage, holding my hand (and you know how comfortable I am with people in my space), making me recite a poem while looking at everyone. I tried to get away with it at first, do it just to do it or whatever, but then I wanted to cry. I mean I couldn't start because I was going to cry if I did. oh shit, i thought, this is what everyone is talking about.
I think the hardest part was, for the first time, really acknowledging how terrifying it is to be on stage. you know I get up there all the time and sometimes i do really great stuff but I never really see anyone and I barely ever breathe in a fashion that allows human beings to survive. I hold my breath, I see faces as blurs, I get by, i get jokes out, I get laughs and i imagine many are incidental, are because I am funny looking (not a bad thing). or are not as big or true as they could be because I don't acknowledge the ENTIRE stage and the ENTIRE audience, eyeball by eyeball.
This is survival. I would probably cry half the time if i actually did this and that's actually not that funny to watch. But it's defensive. and once I was able to speak, my voice was louder, my breath was strong, my hands were still, the poem made sense, the dust settled, the stage was real.
Oh fuck! the stage is real!!!!!!!!
what do I do now? i don't know.
In other news, I told you things were going well with that boy I had a crush on but I don't know anymore, I may hang out with him tonight, and I sure I will update you then. My round-offs still suck but yesterday I finally figured out how to climb up the rope correctly and my fish flops are, i think, awesome...but I can't actually see them.I am going to talk to my teacher from last semester about what I should do after school is over, here is what i am hoping he'll say "you are hilarious, here is this amazing place you should audition for, I will call my best friend who is the director and you will get it and they will pay you enough to live on, to save a little bit and also give you health insurance."
my fingers are crossed.
Love,
A